


The Adventures of Roger Taylor and His Bitches

by Taemintchocolate



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Gen, I’ll add tags when I think of more, This is DUMB, chat fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-09-23 16:26:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 9,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17083745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taemintchocolate/pseuds/Taemintchocolate
Summary: Basically a chat fic that’s based off of stupid memes I see and applying them to the concept of Queen having a group chat,, totally not original but I hope it makes you laugh anyway because there are no original ideas in the world anymore





	1. Late Night Chats w/ Roger and His Bitches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The start of something beautiful

_Roger has created the group “Roger Taylor and His Bitches™”_

_Thursday, 20th of December - 3:45am_

Roger: sup hoes I got an idea 

Brian: it’s literally three in the morning what the fuck

Brian: wait what even is that chat name I’m not your bitch 

Freddie: BRAIN WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT FOUL LANGUAGE AROUND JOHN 

Freddie: BRNAI**

Freddie: BRINA**

Freddie: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN 

Roger: oh good job Brian you’ve given Freddie a seizure 

John: Freddie I’m literally a grown man

Freddie: NO DONT LOOK JOHN 

Roger: and about the chat name 

Roger: you’re all my bitches 

Roger: you wouldn’t accept ‘Roger Meddows Taylor and His Bitches’ as a band name so this is my compensation 

_Roger has changed Freddie’s nickname to Drama Queen_

_Roger has changed John’s nickname to Candyfloss Boy™_

_Roger has changed Brian’s nickname to Brain_

_Brain has changed Roger’s nickname to Car Fucker_

Drama Queen: and the plot thickens 

Candyfloss Boy™: this is one thick plot 

Drama Queen: this is a thick ass plot 

Candyfloss Boy™: this is a juicy peach 

Drama Queen: this is a juicy ass peach and I have juice running down my chin 

Car Fucker: okay what in the genuine fuck does that even mean 

Brain: honestly this is the first time I’m left speechless by something you’ve said 

Car Fucker: stop lying Brain you know that’s not true 

Brain: can you stop calling me brain,, like I know I’m the only one here with one but come on 

Drama Queen: OOOOOHHHHH DAMN WHAT A BRUN 

Drama Queen: BURN*** FUCK 

Car Fucker: that means you too, idiot 

Car Fucker: and weren’t you just yelling at us to stop swearing in front of John????

Drama Queen: we’re in too deep now, I gave up 

Candyfloss Boy™: That’s fair 

Brain: anyway I want to get some sleep so I’m off, later losers 

_Brain has logged off_

Car Fucker: okay, back to the subject at hand

Car Fucker: so instead of kissing under the mistletoe, I think we should change it up 

Drama Queen: and how do you suggest we do that? 

Candyfloss Boy™: I know! We can tell stupid jokes instead? Maybe shitty pickup lines? 

Car Fucker: not quite 

Car Fucker: we fight instead, like WWE style 

Car Fucker: I call it mistlefoe 

Candyfloss Boy™: I was so hopeful for one normal conversation with you 

Car Fucker: u love me really 

Candyfloss Boy™: perhaps. night suckers. 

_Candyfloss Boy™ has logged off_

Drama Queen: I think that sounds like a good idea 

Car Fucker: really? you wanna fight me under the mistletoe? 

Drama Queen: sure. meet me in the pit, bitch. 

_Drama Queen has logged off_

Car Fucker: lets get ready to rumble 

_Car Fucker has logged off_


	2. Roger and His Yoghurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Freddie commits a true atrocity and must pay for his crimes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I’m writing this, this currently has 194 hits which may not seem like a lot but I’m shook??? I posted this on a whim thinking it wouldn’t take off n no one would like it but??? Here we are??? Wtf thank you

_Chat: Roger Taylor and His Bitches™_

_Brain is online_  
_Drama Queen is online  
Candyfloss Boy™ is online _

__

_Today, 2:15pm_

Candyfloss Boy™: hey, where’s Roger? Have any of you seen him today? 

Brain: nope. I figured he went home with some girl like he normally does. 

Drama Queen: the one he met last night? No, she whipped her tits out in the middle of the date. Surprisingly that turned him off. Can’t imagine why. 

Candyfloss Boy™: wait how do you know that 

Drama Queen: he called me panicking about it and he asked for advice 

Candyfloss Boy™: Oh is that why I heard you yelling ‘rip her tits off’ last night? 

Drama Queen: that would be why, yes 

Candyfloss Boy™: okay well anyway 

Candyfloss Boy™: last time I heard Roger was at four in the morning playing his sad playlist as loud as possible so clearly there’s something up

Brain: he has a sad playlist? Really? 

Drama Queen: everyone does. are you telling me you don’t? 

Candyfloss Boy™: I for sure have one, but that’s not the point. has anyone upset him lately? 

Drama Queen: ...

Brain: Freddie, you know when you do that, you’re automatically suspicious 

Candyfloss Boy™: what have you done, Fred? 

Drama Queen: I ate the last of his corner yoghurts. I was starving and everyone knows I can’t cook and I was home alone, and I didn’t think he’d notice plus I planned on buying more before he’d notice 

Brain: the lack of punctuation in that message hurts 

Drama Queen: duck off, brain 

Drama Queen: fuck** shitting hell 

Candyfloss Boy™: Freddie!!!!!!!! Those are his favourite!!!!! What were you thinking!!!!!!!!! 

Brain: this calls for serious punishment 

Brain: no going out drinking for a week 

Drama Queen: you know I’ll get out anyway, weak bitch. you can’t restrain me 

Brain: fine,,, okay, no piano for a week 

Drama Queen: no piano means no songs 

Brain: fuck. help me, John.

Candyfloss Boy™: no golden girls for a week 

Drama Queen: JOHN NO I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME 

Brain: good idea, no golden girls until next week

Brain: now go and apologise to Roger because I’m sick of listening to fucking send in the clowns all day 

Candyfloss Boy™: good luck, Fred!!! Hope he doesn’t kill you!!!!

 _Brain has logged off_  
_Candyfloss Boy™ has logged off_

__

 

***

 

 _Private Chat between Roger and Freddie_  
_Roger has changed Freddie’s nickname to Traitor_

Traitor: okay,,, understandable 

Roger: wtf do you want from me? you already fucking betrayed me 

Traitor: roger it was a fucking yoghurt 

Roger: it’s not just a fucking yoghurt 

Roger: Freddie you’re such a bitch 

Traitor: you know I can’t argue with that 

Traitor: anyway the point is that I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have eaten your yoghurt, if I had known it would’ve hurt you this much I would’ve starved instead 

Traitor: if it makes you feel any better, I’m not allowed to watch golden girls for the next week 

Roger: haha you deserve it 

Roger: when did Brian decide on that? 

Traitor: it was John actually 

Traitor: I thought he loved me but apparently he fuckin hates me 

Roger: didn’t know he had it in him 

Traitor: okay anyway,,, are you gonna forgive me or hate me forever 

Roger: i mean this isn’t forgivable but I suPPOSE I can look passed it on one condition 

Traitor: what’s that? 

Roger: buy me new ones with your whole bank account 

Roger: also that one sweater I’ve had my eye on for the last five years

Traitor: don’t u mean two days 

Roger: do you want my forgiveness or not 

Traitor: ...fine. I’ll empty the shelves of your goddamn yoghurts and buy you your sweater 

Traitor: how much is it? 

Roger: it’s £4200 

Roger: thanks Fred!

 _Roger has changed Traitor’s nickname to Main Hoe_  
_Roger has logged off_

Main Hoe: WAIT 

Main Hoe: IM SIMULTANEOUSLY FLATTERED AND TROUBLED WAIT ROGER 

Main Hoe: what have I done 

Main Hoe: why am I talking to myself 

Main Hoe: god fucking dammit 

_Main Hoe has logged off_


	3. ASMR in the car

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian is concerned about Roger’s leisure activities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course we had to address the relationship between Roger and his car,, Freddie delivers a sick burn and Brian breaks out the poetry so prepare yourself for this extravaganza

_Chat: Roger Taylor and His Bitches™_

_Brain is online_  
_Candyfloss Boy™ is online_  
_Drama Queen is online_  
_Car Fucker is online_

_Today, 9:35pm_

Brain: okay I have to bring something to everyone’s attention 

Drama Queen: okay darling but hurry up, I’ve got a dick appointment in half an hour 

Candyfloss Boy™: not something you had to share but thanks anyway 

Drama Queen: you’re welcome, dear. I always like treating you. 

Brain: can we please focus this is serious 

Car Fucker: Brian I swear to god 

Candyfloss Boy™: this should be interesting 

Brain: okay so the other day I walked in on something 

Drama Queen: if this is when you walked in on me in the shower, I understand I’m so gorgeous that it’s hard to understand 

Brain: that’s not it and I have to disagree but anyway 

Brain: Roger was making an ASMR video with his car 

_Car Fucker has left the chat_

Candyfloss Boy™: oh no that blond bitch doesn’t 

_Roger has been added to the chat_  
_Candyfloss Boy™ has changed Roger’s nickname to Custard Coward_

Candyfloss Boy™: stop running away from your problems, bitch 

Drama Queen: I thought it was well known that Rog wanted to fuck his car 

Drama Queen: Exhibit A: he wrote a fucking song about it 

Custard Coward: ITS A FUCKING METAPHOR 

Drama Queen: Sure, honey 

Brain: you don’t make it any easier for yourself by making ASMR videos with your car, it’s not subtle 

Custard Coward: listen if we’re bringing up everyone’s faults here then why aren’t we talking about when Freddie accidentally hit John then screamed ‘ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY’ and made him cry?

Drama Queen: that was an accident 

Drama Queen: you writing a song about wanting to put your dick in your car’s exhaust pipe, however, was not 

Candyfloss Boy™: oh shit 

Brain: you know, sometimes people ask why I stay in this band 

Brain: this is why

Custard Coward: I! Don’t! Want! To! Fuck! My! Car! It’s! A! Metaphor! 

Drama Queen: yes, yes, I’ve heard it all before 

Drama Queen: anyway I don’t want to be late. Don’t wait up for me babes.

_Drama Queen has logged off_

Candyfloss Boy™: you know, we all have our own hobbies 

Candyfloss Boy™: Brian likes to look at the stars and save the badgers 

Candyfloss Boy™: I like to write and take naps 

Candyfloss Boy™: Freddie likes to watch golden girls and talk about Jim 

Candyfloss Boy™: and Rog likes to make ASMR videos with his car and drink,, we may not understand it but he isn’t hurting himself or anyone else so who are we to judge? 

Custard Coward: fuck that’s heartwarming 

Brain: yeah, that is pretty cute 

Brain: but it doesn’t change the fact that ASMR with your car is fucking bizarre 

_Brain has logged off_

Custard Coward: stupid poodle headed bitch 

Custard Coward: Fuck Brian 

_Custard Coward has logged off_

Candyfloss Boy™: good idea, you’d both like that 

Candyfloss Boy™: oh my god are you serious 

Candyfloss Boy™: why are my talents always wasted I swear 

_Candyfloss Boy™ has logged off_


	4. Struck by a Smooth Criminal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian and Roger are sent to pick up lunch. Naturally, chaos ensues.

_Chat: Roger Taylor and His Bitches™_

_Drama Queen is online_  
_Candyfloss Boy™ is online_

_Today, 1:45pm_

Drama Queen: so I said to him 

Drama Queen: as I stood there with barbecue sauce on my titties with the dog having a seizure in the corner

Candyfloss Boy™: oh I’m so ready for this climax 

Drama Queen: ‘that’s showbiz, Mikey’ 

Candyfloss Boy™: god Freddie you’re such a legend 

_Custard Coward is online_  
_Custard Coward changed their nickname to Smooth Criminal_

Smooth Criminal: GUYS 

Drama Queen: oh my god what now 

Candyfloss Boy™: I thought you and Brian were going to collect our food order how could this possibly go wrong 

Smooth Criminal: WE’RE GOING SEVENTY IN A FIFTY 

Smooth Criminal: I THINK BRIAN IS CRYING 

Drama Queen: what the fuck is going on 

Smooth Criminal: BRIAN TOLD ME TO GET US A TABLE WHILE HE PARKED THE CAR BECAUSE WE WERE GONNA GET A COFFEE SINCE FOOD WHASNT RESDT AND I TOOK IT LITERALLT 

Candyfloss Boy™: did you steal a fucking table from a cafe

Smooth Criminal: YEEHAAAWW 

Drama Queen: thank god, we’ve been needing a replacement for the dining table for a while 

Candyfloss Boy™: PUT THAT TABLE BACK 

Smooth Criminal: NEVER 

Candyfloss Boy™: PUT IT BACK BEFORE I MAKE YOU REGRET IT 

Drama Queen: oh shit maybe you should listen 

Drama Queen: he replaced my body wash with nair once 

Drama Queen: he will not hesitate 

Smooth Criminal: ...Brian has now turned the car around 

Drama Queen: I was as bald as the day I was born

_Smooth Criminal has sent a voice message_

Candyfloss Boy™: oh my god Brian is crying 

Candyfloss Boy™: Roger what the actual fuck have you done 

Drama Queen: the plots just keep getting thicker I swear 

Drama Queen: thicker than Roger’s thighs 

_Smooth Criminal has logged off_

Candyfloss Boy™: this band is such a mess,, why did I join

Drama Queen: because u were looking for adventure and guess what bucko? You got it 

***

_Today, 3:30pm_

_Candyfloss Boy™ is online_  
_Smooth Criminal is online_  
_Brain is online_

Smooth Criminal: so I got good news and bad news 

Candyfloss Boy™: is Brian still sane? 

Brain: Roger I just had like five heart attacks during that whole ordeal what the literal fuck were you thinking 

Smooth Criminal: idk I had a moment where I was like ‘I wonder if anyone could stop me from taking this table right now’ and then I sat there for a while more n decided to find out 

Candyfloss Boy™: okay give us the good news first 

Brain: well, good news is we were right on time. they were calling the police but because we brought it back mostly intact they let us off 

Candyfloss Boy™: What the fuck do you mean ‘mostly’ intact

Smooth Criminal: I broke one of the legs 

Candyfloss Boy™: Why? 

Smooth Criminal: idk I wanted to see how much force I could create with my ass

Smooth Criminal: apparently enough to break a wooden table leg 

_Drama Queen is online_

Drama Queen: I challenge you to an ass strength duel 

Brain: oh my fucking god 

Candyfloss Boy™: anyway,, what’s the bad news? 

Smooth Criminal: okay first of all, I accept your challenge Freddie 

Smooth Criminal: second of all

Smooth Criminal: they want us to give them the money to buy a new table

Candyfloss Boy™: okay, not so bad 

Brain: the table costs £500 

Drama Queen: was the fucking thing made of gold? 

Drama Queen: I told you we should’ve kept it

Smooth Criminal: it’s some kind of special make or wood or smth 

Smooth Criminal: we’ve got a couple of days to pay it or they’ll press charges 

Brain: I know it sounds bad but I’m sure we can miss out on a few meals to avoid me going to prison 

Smooth Criminal: what about me???? 

Drama Queen: to be fair, we always expected you do time at some point. You could handle it anyway. 

Smooth Criminal: I don’t know if I should be flattered or not

Candyfloss Boy™: gonna put it out there, I don’t think our biggest concern right now is whether or not Roger is capable of doing time 

Brain: good point, how do we come up with £500 by the end of the week? 

Drama Queen: don’t worry boys. I can get the money for you. 

_Drama Queen has logged off_

Brain: Y’know what? I’m not questioning it. I’m gonna have a nap. 

_Brain has logged off_

Candyfloss Boy™: hows he gonna get the money? 

Smooth Criminal: he’s got a sugar daddy, duh 

Smooth Criminal: anyway, I’m gonna train for the ass strength duel. See you later, Deaky. 

_Smooth Criminal has logged off_

Candyfloss Boy™: wait he has a what 

Candyfloss Boy™: Ah shit you’re gone 

Candyfloss Boy™: so many questions yet so few answers 

_Candyfloss Boy™ has logged off_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jim should be appearing soon! Y’all didn’t really think I’d not include one of the loves of Freddie’s life did u 
> 
>  
> 
> Come yell at me on Instagram!! @/celestial.serendipity


	5. The Introduction of a New Cult Member

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Freddie decides its time to introduce Jim to the rest of the group.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise Jim will be more interesting as this goes on and will have a bigger role in the chat but for now,, have the introduction of the man himself. It’s also kind of long but hey ho

_Chat: Roger Taylor and His Bitches™_

_Drama Queen is online_  
_Smooth Criminal is online_  
_Brain is online_  
_Candyfloss Boy™ is online_

_Today, 5:15pm_

Drama Queen: okay guys I need a moment of seriousness from all of you 

Brain: I’m always serious 

Smooth Criminal: yeah, tight ass 

Candyfloss Boy™: roger pls 

Candyfloss Boy™: what’s up, Fred? 

Drama Queen: I’m finally able to introduce you to Jim through the medium of this group chat 

Drama Queen: and you have to not freak him out too much 

Smooth Criminal: that’s fair but if he’s dating you he should be prepared for it 

Drama Queen: that’s true but he isn’t a weirdo like all of us so can we please try and make him feel welcome here 

Brain: why don’t you just invite him over?

Drama Queen: because if you end up not getting along then there’s less of a chance that Roger will lose his shit and fight him 

Candyfloss Boy™: ’less of a chance’ 

Brain: you have to leave room for error sometimes

Smooth Criminal: that’s a good point 

Smooth Criminal: okay he can join the cult 

_Drama Queen added Jim to the chat_  
_Drama Queen changed Jim’s nickname to Drama King_

Drama King: evening! So you’re Freddie’s family? 

Candyfloss Boy™: I’m John Deacon and I was born on the 19th of August 1951 

Brain: okay John no offence but we don’t need your autobiography 

Brain: Anyway,, I’m Brian the only one with a brain 

Smooth Criminal: I’m Roger and I have the username smooth criminal because I stole a table from a cafe once and they didn’t realise until I’d gotten outside with it

Brain: please don’t give me war flashbacks

Smooth Criminal: wait we’re Freddie’s family????

Brain: we aren’t related 

Drama Queen: family doesn’t have to be by blood, darlings 

Candyfloss Boy™: Fred I’m gonna cry that’s so soft 

Drama Queen: don’t be silly, dear. Chin up 

Drama King: Fred talks about you a lot 

Smooth Criminal: oh fuck that’s not good 

Brain: what does he tell you? 

Candyfloss Boy™: he’ll only have good things to say about me I can guarantee it 

Drama King: okay well 

Drama King: Brian likes wildlife and the stars 

Drama King: John is just trying his best,, he likes his bass guitar and is apparently our adopted son idk 

Drama King: Roger likes calling people bitch and once fought a squid at the aquarium 

Smooth Criminal: FREDDIE 

Smooth Criminal: THAT SQUID WAS A DICK AND YOU KNOW IT 

Drama Queen: it was but that doesn’t change the fact that you literally fought a fucking squid in a public place 

Smooth Criminal: yeah I fought it in public so everyone could see me win against this bitch 

Brain: to be fair I can’t imagine it was that difficult 

Brain: and it’s a fucking squid how can it act like a dick anyway

Candyfloss Boy™: Jim I’m sorry you have to see this I promise we’re normal 

Drama King: don’t worry about it, I’m dating Freddie so weird shit happens all the time 

Drama Queen: I’m normal!!!

Drama King: Freddie, you woke me up at two in the morning and asked me if the cats get songs stuck in their heads 

Drama King: I told you I loved you and you said wig 

Brain: Roger are you okay 

Drama King: what happened? 

Brain: I just heard this loud thud from upstairs followed by a screech of laughter 

Smooth Criminal: FREDIDE UM CRYIGN

Smooth Criminal: THATS SO FUCKING FUNNY 

Drama Queen: DEAKY TOLD ME TO SAY IT WHEN I HEARD SOMEONE SAY SOMETHING COOL AND BEING TOLD THAT SOMEONE LOVES YOU IS PRETTY COOL 

Candyfloss Boy™: Freddie no 

Candyfloss Boy™: that’s not the kind of cool thing I meant 

Drama Queen: well you could’ve specified that,,,, 

Smooth Criminal: anyway,, Jim 

Smooth Criminal: you are the newest of my bitches 

Smooth Criminal: how does it feel 

Drama King: I’m flattered but I’m Freddie’s bitch 

Drama Queen: darling I love that you’re so faithful but in this house we are all Roger’s bitches because it’s easier to do that than it is to argue about it 

Drama King: okay well 

Drama King: I guess it’s pretty cool then 

Candyfloss Boy™: okay anyway 

Candyfloss Boy™: Brian is taking me to see the constellations so we gotta go, I hope I meet you soon Jim!!!

Brain: I’m so fuckin ready to see Orion in person 

Brain: bye Jim hope we haven’t scared you 

_Brain has logged off_  
_Candyfloss Boy™ has logged off_

Drama Queen: okay darlings I’m going to go and make some tea and play with the cats,, please do some bonding while I’m gone!!

_Drama Queen has logged off_

Smooth Criminal: so when are we getting to meet you in person? 

Drama King: dunno 

Drama King: whenever Fred is ready,, I don’t want to make him uncomfortable I wanna go at his pace 

Smooth Criminal: well, whenever it is, make sure you let us know so we can be on our best behaviour 

Drama King: don’t worry about it 

Drama King: I’m ready for anything, I’m dating Freddie Mercury after all. I’d be dumb to think that his friends would be normal

Smooth Criminal: that’s true 

Smooth Criminal: well, I’ve gotta go and do some last minute shopping for Christmas,, I’ve yet to buy John anything 

Smooth Criminal: he’s impossible to buy for 

Drama King: well I feel that since he’s in this chat I shouldn’t tell you what I think but I’ll do it anyway

Drama King: you could do that thing and name a star after him

Drama King: get him a map of the stars on an important day for him 

Smooth Criminal: that’s an idea,, thanks Jim 

Drama King: no problem, why have bitches if they don’t help you out? 

Smooth Criminal: that sounds so bad out of context and that’s coming from me 

Drama King: See you around ;);););););)

_Drama King has logged off_

Smooth Criminal: now I get why Freddie and you get along so well,,, 

_Smooth Criminal has logged off_


	6. The Freddie Defense Squad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim takes Roger to the hospital after he got into a fight. One of John’s hidden talents is revealed, and Roger and Freddie have a heart to heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to do something a little softer with this and show more of the friendship aspect of Queen rather than just the stupid jokes they share. Hopefully I did it justice and there is some humour mixed in!

_Chat: Roger Taylor and His Bitches™_

_Candyfloss Boy™ is online_  
_Brain is online_  
_Drama Queen is online_

_Today, 7:15pm_

Candyfloss Boy™: guys, where are Roger and Jim? 

Drama Queen: they were going out to grab some stuff from the store, why?

Brain: Freddie, I know you have a terrible concept of time, but that was two hours ago. They should’ve been back by now.

Drama Queen: I don’t know, maybe they got distracted or something. I’m sure there’s a good explanation for it. 

Candyfloss Boy™: I wanna braid Roger’s hair he better hurry up

Brain: what? You know he’d never let you do that 

Candyfloss Boy™: yes he would. It’s me. 

_Drama King is online_

Drama Queen: darling!!! What’s keeping you and Rog? 

Drama King: I have a story for y’all 

Drama King: basically, Roger got into a fight 

Brain: what? How? What over? 

Drama King: we were walking down the street to the car because we had to park a little bit away from the store and we passed these guys and we overheard their conversation 

Candyfloss Boy™: right...what did they say, then? 

Drama King: well, they were talking about Queen and 

Drama King: okay darling Fred please forgive me for typing this but basically one of them started saying that you all sucked because ‘Freddie is a dumb fag’ 

Drama Queen: why would I care about what some sad, spotty boys have to say about me? 

Brain: oh god he flew for them didn’t he 

Drama King: honestly I was shocked at how fast he moved and how he wasn’t at all worried about taking on three big guys 

Drama Queen: so where are you now? Is Roger okay? 

Candyfloss Boy™: if he’s awake tell him I want to braid his hair and also that he’s my hero 

Drama King: he lost a tooth and broke his nose by the looks of things but he’s still kickin’. I’ll let him know what you had to say when I can see him, they took him away to evaluate him so I’m in the waiting room at a&e 

Brain: okay, let us know what happens. As much as he annoys us all, he’s still our best friend 

_Smooth Criminal is online_

Smooth Criminal: hello bitches it is I, the frenchest fry 

Candyfloss Boy™: ROGER!!!!!

Brain: you aren’t french what are you talking about 

Drama Queen: you’re so silly, darling 

Drama King: how are you doing, Roger? What have they said? 

Smooth Criminal: my nose is broken and I’ll need a filling for my tooth because it couldn’t be saved but enough about me 

Smooth Criminal: is the rum okay? 

Drama King: yes the rum is fine, I was holding it while you took on all three of those guys 

Smooth Criminal: did I look cool? 

Drama King: coolest guy I’ve ever seen

Smooth Criminal: hell yea 

Brain: when will you get home? 

Smooth Criminal: idk yet they’re gonna give me a prescription for pain killers so after I’ve got that I’ll be back I think

Smooth Criminal: I eat my carrots so my nose is strong so they said it should heal on its own 

Brain: I’m not quite sure that’s how it works but okay Rog 

Candyfloss Boy™: hey roger can you help me prove something to everyone 

Smooth Criminal: sure, what is it

Candyfloss Boy™: can I braid your hair when you get in? 

Smooth Criminal: don’t see why not, you’re good at that anyway

Brain: oh my god what

Drama Queen: am I reading this correctly?

Drama King: oh that’s quite cute 

Candyfloss Boy™: SEE!!! I TOLD YOU!!!

Smooth Criminal: whys that a surprise? Deaky is good at braiding hair 

Smooth Criminal: that reminds me 

_Smooth Criminal has changed Candyfloss Boy™’s nickname to Disco Deaky_

Drama Queen: you’d never let any of us near your hair!!!!

Smooth Criminal: that’s because the one time I let you touch my hair, you almost ripped it out, and idk about Brian he just has a weird aura about him 

Brain: I mean you could’ve said something worse so I’m not complaining 

Drama King: oh I see Roger coming this way. I think we’ll be going now, see you in half an hour. 

Disco Deaky: okay!! I’ll decide on the braids I’m gonna do in Roger’s hair!!

Brain: there are different types? 

Disco Deaky: my god you are dense 

_Drama King has logged off_  
_Smooth Criminal has logged off_

***

_Private Chat between Main Hoe and Roger_

Main Hoe: hey, roger 

Roger: huh? Fred, why are we whispering? 

Main Hoe: this is a text conversation 

Roger: but like, we aren’t talking in the group chat 

Main Hoe: ...I guess I get what you’re saying

Main Hoe: anyway

Main Hoe: I have to talk to you about tonight 

Roger: right, I’m all ears 

Roger: or eyes since we aren’t talking verbally

Main Hoe: I don’t want you to fight people when you hear them talk shit about me 

Main Hoe: you could’ve been seriously hurt, and I’d hate for anything bad to happen, darling 

Roger: Fred, I’m not just gonna stand by and let people talk shit about you 

Roger: they can’t be shitty about you and expect no consequences 

Main Hoe: Rog, it doesn’t bother me when I hear that stuff because I know they’re sad themselves, so it shouldn’t bother you either 

_Roger has changed Main Hoe’s nickname to Fred_

Roger: sorry I couldn’t take you seriously with the name ‘Main Hoe’ 

Fred: okay that’s fair but anyway 

Roger: Fred, it bothers me because you’re my best friend and I can’t stand people talking shit about you when you’ve worked so hard and gone through shit to get where you are now 

Fred: please don’t worry about it, okay? It’s very sweet of you and you’ll never understand how much it means, but I’d much rather have people calling me a faggot and getting away with it than have you in hospital because you tried to fight someone and they had a knife on them 

Fred: please just try to work on it for me? 

Roger: fine. I’ll try if it’ll make you feel better. 

Fred: okay, darling. I can only ask for your best. 

Roger: you’ll always get my best, Fred

Fred: wow Rog, if I wasn’t already with someone, I would’ve thought you were flirting with me. Anyway, I have one more thing 

Roger: and that is...?

Fred: I’m sorry for pulling your hair that one time...can you at least consider letting me style it one time? 

Roger: what, are you jealous of Deaky? 

Fred: Maybe 

Roger: I’ll consider it. I’ll see you in five minutes, okay? We’re almost home 

Fred: okay dear! I’ll have a cup of tea ready for you! 

_Fred has logged off_

Roger: wow you’re going all out...interesting 

_Roger has logged off_


	7. Underwear Cornflakes and Soft Boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While everyone is discussing the bad habits of Freddie in the house, Jim comes in and points out something about Roger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pls don’t yell if this is bad but I really wanted to get an update out since I haven’t updated in a while!!!! I just love soft Roger and Deaky okay let me live
> 
> Also I have noticed comments that people have been leaving and I wanna thank you all for them because I really like knowing you’re enjoying reading this mess!! I just haven’t replied to any because I’m literally the driest person ever and would probably just be like “haha thank you!!” To everyone but I genuinely do appreciate all of the comments and kudos that have been left!!

_Chat: Roger Taylor and His Bitches™_

_Drama King is online_  
_Smooth Criminal is online_  
_Brain is online_  
_Disco Deaky is online_  
_Drama Queen is online_

_Today, 11:21pm_

Smooth Criminal: okay so it’s finally time we address some issues I have with the habits of people in this godforsaken house 

Disco Deaky: is it me playing bass really late at night? I’m sorry, sometimes a riff just comes to me and I gotta get it out there, I’ll try stop

Smooth Criminal: no Deaky you’re absolutely fine you keep doing what you’re doing you perfect angel. I’m talking about Freddie. 

Disco Deaky: :) 

Drama Queen: I’m so offended that you would even say that 

Brain: to be fair, you do do some weird shit 

Drama Queen: don’t even start, you wear clogs 

Brain: clogs are cool! 

_Drama Queen has changed Brain’s nickname to Clog Cunt_

Drama Queen: since you like them so much, you can be named after them 

Clog Cunt: disappointed but not surprised 

Smooth Criminal: Freddie, why were you eating cornflakes at three in the morning in your underwear? 

Drama Queen: why were you and Brian yelling at three in the morning and walking into different rooms without knocking? 

Smooth Criminal: I asked you first 

Drama Queen: I asked you second 

Drama Queen: but if you must know it was because I was in bed and I got hungry but I didn’t feel like putting all my clothes on again so I went and got cereal in my underwear 

Clog Cunt: but I mean did you not consider that we’d see you? 

Disco Deaky: to be fair, we’ve seen Freddie running around onstage with tiny shorts on so I can see why he wouldn’t think it’s a big deal 

Drama Queen: THANK YOU DEAKY OH MY GOD THIS IS WHY YOURE MY FAVOURITE 

Smooth Criminal: okay that’s fair but what about you playing the saxophone as loud as you can to tell the time? 

Drama Queen: it’s a very efficient method, I always get a reply 

Clog Cunt: yeah because you always do it at three in the fucking morning 

Disco Deaky: yeah it can be a little bothersome, Fred

Smooth Criminal: see you’re upsetting Deaky you asshole 

Drama Queen: Deaky Darling I am so sorry 

Drama Queen: however, to you other hoes, I am not in the least bit sorry

Disco Deaky: Freddie!!!! Please don’t be mean to Roger and Brian!!!

Drama Queen: ,,,fine,,, 

Clog Cunt: wait Jim is online 

Disco Deaky: hi Jim!!!!

Smooth Criminal: what? No he isn’t 

Drama King: yes I am hello bitches 

Drama King: I was watching because every argument you guys have is like something out of a goddamn sitcom, but I’ve also noticed something and since we’re talking about things on our minds it’s necessary to mention

Drama Queen: do tell us, dear 

Drama King: well over time I’ve noticed that everyone is soft for John which is completely understandable 

Disco Deaky: call me Deaky it’s better 

Drama King: right,,, okay well anyway someone is particularly soft for Deaky 

Clog Cunt: and who’s that? 

Drama King: Roger 

Drama Queen: oh my god you’re so right 

Clog Cunt: yeah, I get that. There’s always been chemistry there but both of them are too blind to realise it 

Disco Deaky: what!!!!!!

Smooth Criminal: I literally have no clue what you’re on about 

Drama Queen: then allow me to elaborate 

Clog Cunt: this should be good 

Drama Queen: Deaky always spends his time around Roger

Drama Queen: Roger is the only person who has ever heard Deaky sing 

Disco Deaky: no one has heard me sing??? What are you on???

Drama Queen: don’t even try to act like you didn’t sing Roger to sleep that one time 

Smooth Criminal: how would you know that if you hadn’t heard him before? 

Drama Queen: AHA!!! YOU DIDNT DENY IT!!!!

Clog Cunt: he got you guys there 

Drama Queen: Deaky also taught Roger to dance, and he’s the only person that’s allowed to touch Roger’s hair 

Smooth Criminal: that’s because he can touch it without getting it all tangled, and he’s good at braiding it 

Disco Deaky: I like to think I’m helping Roger not get high blood pressure because he’s small but very much full of salt and braiding people’s hair helps them relax 

Smooth Criminal: that’s so true 

Clog Cunt: oh my god just admit your chemistry 

Clog Cunt: if anyone else called you salty, you’d be pissed but you don’t care when Deaky does it 

Smooth Criminal: because it wasn’t meant as an insult 

Drama Queen: once I jokingly called you an idiot and you threatened to shave Delilah 

Smooth Criminal: ...shit 

Clog Cunt: if we’re gonna change each other’s names to suit us better 

_Clog Cunt has changed Smooth Criminal’s nickname to Soft Boy_

Soft Boy: you know what? I’m gonna embrace this 

Disco Deaky: I’m so proud of you 

Soft Boy: thanks Deaky 

Drama Queen: honestly? Me too. Well done for not killing Brian over that, Roger. 

Soft Boy: fuck off and stop patronising me, Freddie 

Drama Queen: and you say you aren’t soft for Deaky 

Drama Queen: anyway I’m gonna go and play with the cats, call me if you touch each other’s asses 

_Drama Queen has logged off_

Clog Cunt: yeah I better head, I’ve got astrophysics to do and I also have to polish my shoes 

Clog Cunt: later losers 

_Clog Cunt has logged off_

Soft Boy: clogs don’t need polishing dumbass 

Soft Boy: oh fuck he’s gone 

Drama King: maybe he meant varnishing since they’re wood??? Idk. Anyway, I’m gonna go plant some flowers, see y’all later 

_Drama King has logged off_

Disco Deaky: Jim is a man of few words but the few words he comes out with always have purpose 

Disco Deaky: anyway, is what everyone said true? 

Soft Boy: I think we’d better talk about this in person 

Soft Boy: pizza then disco dancing? 

Disco Deaky: I like your style. Be ready in an hour. 

_Disco Deaky has logged off_

Soft Boy: commanding I see ;);););)

Soft Boy: oh wait you’re gone. Dammit. 

_Soft Boy has logged off_


	8. “Fate is not you climbing through my window at 3am”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian settles a lovers quarrel, Roger is exposed for ruining Freddie and Jim’s flower bed, and Roger asks John out. Guys being dudes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y’all I’m sorry for being a big lazy bitch but here we are!! Happy belated new year and thank you for almost 1.2k hits!! How that happened I don’t even know but,, somehow it did and that’s wild??? Thank you!!
> 
> I hope this is worth the wait!! This lowkey ends kind of weirdly because it’s kind of just thrown in there and also is kind of jumpy but alas this is a Queen gc so does anything ever go smoothly?

_Chat: Roger Taylor and His Bitches™_

_Clog Cunt is online_  
_Drama Queen is online_  
_Drama King is online_

Drama King: Okay Freddie and I need help settling an argument quickly 

Drama Queen: yes because Jim doesn’t believe me and I need proof from other people that he is in fact wrong 

Clog Cunt: ohhh a lovers quarrel 

Clog Cunt: what’s going on 

Drama King: well last week Freddie was climbing through my window at 3am 

Drama Queen: when you say it like that it sounds bad 

Drama King: Freddie I love you and all but how else can I say that 

Drama Queen: I was visiting you!

Drama King: by breaking and entering then calling it fate 

Drama Queen: yes!! Because fate brought me to you!!

Clog Cunt: so that’s where you were the other night 

Drama King: you consciously making the decision to climb through my window and into my room at three o’clock in the morning is not fate 

Drama Queen: yes it is 

Drama Queen: God predetermined my fate to decide to to climb through your window at three in the morning because we are in love 

Clog Cunt: Fred, fate is for things outside of your control, like missing a train and meeting your soulmate while waiting for the next one 

Drama Queen: God making me climb through the window was outside of my control 

_Soft Boy is online_

Soft Boy: Hey bitches what’s this about climbing through windows 

Clog Cunt: can you please explain to Fred why he’s wrong about the definition of fate 

Drama Queen: why Freddie is right** 

Soft Boy: Fred you know it pains me to say this, but Brian is right 

Soft Boy: what you’re describing is closer to destiny I think, like it was your destiny to end up in Jim’s room

Drama King: oh my god thank you,,,,,, 

Drama Queen: no, you’re wrong, I know words! I’m smart too! 

Clog Cunt: oh really? 

Soft Boy: whats the difference between a zygote and a gamete? 

Drama Queen: those aren’t real words I’m not listening 

Drama Queen: I told u I know words and those are not words 

_Disco Deaky is online_

Drama Queen: Deaky!!!!!!! My son!!!!!!!

Disco Deaky: hi mum 

Disco Deaky: why is roger smiling at his phone so much? 

Drama Queen: because he’s laughing at his own stupidity 

Soft Boy: your stupidity**

Disco Deaky: Don’t be so mean to my mum, Roger 

Drama Queen: that’s right, you tell him son 

Drama King: what is going on here 

Disco Deaky: family bonding, dad. Catch up. 

Drama King: oh I see 

Drama King: well, this was fun and I’m glad you can see that I’m right, but Freddie and I have to go to the garden centre and pick out new flowers 

Drama Queen: I’m still voting dahlias and roses 

Drama King: we can have whatever you like, dear 

Soft Boy: why do you need new flowers? What happened to the ones you already had? 

Drama Queen: well SOMEONE threw up all over our main flower bed so we had to dig up all of the flowers 

Drama King: by we he means me 

Soft Boy: oh that’s grim 

Disco Deaky: Roger,,,, that was you,,,,, don’t you remember,,,,

Clog Cunt: yeah it was pretty fucking rank but then you came back in while Freddie was playing bohemian rhapsody and you asked why an angel was at the party, then you passed out 

Soft Boy: what can I say? I’m the life of the party 

Clog Cunt: sure, Rog

 _Drama Queen has logged off_  
_Drama King has logged off_  
_Clog Cunt has logged off_

Disco Deaky: clearly they didn’t agree

Soft Boy: fuck them

Soft Boy: at least u love me, Deaky

Disco Deaky: whats not to love? You’re a small angry blond with blue eyes who wears leather jackets with his pink sparkly trainers. 

Soft Boy: that outfit is a look and you know it 

Disco Deaky: it 10/10 is. You’re an icon, Roger.

Soft Boy: so I was wondering,,, do u wanna go get pasta then come home and watch whatever DVD’s we can find? 

Disco Deaky: are you asking me out?

Soft Boy: do you want to or not? We’ll be on our own tonight anyway. Brian is meeting some of his PhD friends and Freddie is practically living with Jim now. 

Disco Deaky: you know the way into my heart 

Disco Deaky: I’ll be ready in an hour or so, I’ll yell whenever 

Soft Boy: I’ll look forward to it~~~~~~~

_Disco Deaky has logged off_  
_Soft Boy as logged off_


	9. Freddie vs. Michael Jackson’s Llama

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys are having a regular conversation about dance moves with their one and only dancing queen, but Freddie needs them to save him from a 1v1 with Michael Jackson’s pet llama.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I’m gonna say now that Jim doesn’t feature in this chapter, he’s only briefly mentioned but I promise he’ll be in the next one!! I know there’s a lot of Jim lovers out there so I hope it’s not too much of a disappointment!
> 
> This is also quite a lengthy one, I was originally gonna split it but I didn’t want one longer part and one shorter one so I posted it all at once. Don’t say I don’t treat y’all hahaha

_Chat: Roger Taylor and His Bitches™_

_Disco Deaky is online_  
_Soft Boy is online_  
_Clog Cunt is online_

_Today, 6:30pm_

Disco Deaky: hey guys I thought of some new dance moves 

Soft Boy: we love an innovative king. You have to show us them. 

Clog Cunt: Deaky, how are you such a good dancer? 

Disco Deaky: idk it’s in my bones

Soft Boy: whats your opinion on flossing and dabbing? 

Disco Deaky: they’re cheap imitations of dance moves 

Clog Cunt: you’re so right.

Disco Deaky: I’ve got a new song too!! Idk if it’s any good but I tried 

Soft Boy: never talk yourself down. You’re a genius. 

Clog Cunt: Roger is right, you’re good at songs! 

Disco Deaky: :)

_Drama Queen is online_

Disco Deaky: hi mum!!!!!

Drama Queen: u guys gotta help me

Clog Cunt: why? what’s wrong? 

Soft Boy: aren’t you working with Michael today? 

Drama Queen: u will not fuckin believe what I’ve been dealing with

Drama Queen: this bitch keeps bringing his fuckin llama into the studio and I can’t fuckin take it anymore 

Drama Queen: pls help he’s coming back soon and I don’t wanna be spat on anymore 

Clog Cunt: Fred stay calm 

Disco Deaky: can’t Jim come and get you? What about Paul? 

Drama Queen: I fell out w Paul and Jim is busy 

Soft Boy: what happened with you and Paul? 

Drama Queen: he asked me to get him a drink so I filled a glass with bleach and he was like “this is bleach wtf” n I said “drink it pussy” 

Disco Deaky: I can see why he’d be angry about that 

Drama Queen: that’s beside the point anyway fuckin help me you stupid hoes 

Drama Queen: except you Deaky. You’re an angel and I’m thrilled you’re here. 

Disco Deaky: :) 

Clog Cunt: okay just stay calm, we’ll get you out of there. I could call and tell them that we have a band meeting and you have to come home. 

Soft Boy: or we could kidnap you 

Disco Deaky: we could pretend one of us got kidnapped! 

Clog Cunt: no kidnapping, we don’t need a news story about this. 

Drama Queen: listen

Drama Queen: desperate times call for desperate measures. Make a new account on here and message me something ominous so I can get the fuck out of here. 

Disco Deaky: you got it mum 

Soft Boy: okay who will we say got kidnapped 

Clog Cunt: guys I really think there’s a better way to go about this 

Drama Queen: Brian please shut up this is the only way I’m getting out of here 

Clog Cunt: ...

Clog Cunt: fine, but I vote that Roger gets kidnapped 

Soft Boy: why??????

Clog Cunt: because you’re closest to Deaky so if you went missing he’d be distraught so you would have to come home because of it 

Drama Queen: I like your style 

Disco Deaky: makes sense. If anything ever happened to Roger, I’d kill everyone in this chat then myself. 

Soft Boy: :’) 

Clog Cunt: okay do we have the account? I think the message should just be ‘we have Roger. Meet us and there will be no trouble’ 

Disco Deaky: no we should have fun with it 

Drama Queen: yes and I know just how we can do that 

Clog Cunt: but if we wanna be realistic we can’t have fun with it 

Soft Boy: no tell me your plan

Drama Queen: we could say that you’re my wife, you do make a convincing girl 

Disco Deaky: but Freddie you’re gay

Drama Queen: yes, you all know that but the world doesn’t. 

Clog Cunt: if you really wanna do that then fine 

Soft Boy: okay well the message could be like ‘we have your wife. Do what we say and no one gets hurt’ 

Disco Deaky: oh my god then Freddie can say he doesn’t have a wife 

Clog Cunt: then we could ask ‘who’s this blonde woman that just spat in my face and called me a bitch then?’ 

Soft Boy: damn Brian, you know me better than I thought you did 

Drama Queen: this is perfect. hurry up and do it so I can leave here. 

****

_Private Chat between Freddie and Anon_

_Today, 6:45pm_

Anon: we have your wife. Do as we say and no one gets hurt.

Freddie: I don’t have a wife. Who is this?

Anon: who’s this blonde woman that just spat on me and called me a bitch then? 

Freddie: fuck. You have Roger. Who are you? We need him! Don’t hurt him! 

Anon: that’s not who we were going for but okay it’ll do

Anon: we’re your worst nightmare. Do as we say and Roger will survive. 

***

_Chat: Roger Taylor and His Bitches™_

_Today, 7:15pm_

_Disco Deaky is online_  
_Soft Boy is online_  
_Clog Cunt is online_  
_Drama Queen is online_

Drama Queen: guys it didn’t work, they think it’s just you pranking me and they’re kind of right. I don’t know what to do.

Drama Queen: I’m about to have a 1v1 with this fucking llama. Michael also just crawled towards me on all fours, I can’t do this. 

Clog Cunt: i told you to leave the wife part out 

Disco Deaky: I totally thought that was foolproof 

Soft Boy: Deaky and I will come and get you 

Disco Deaky: Roger!!! We can’t do that, we don’t have a car and we can’t just walk on in

Clog Cunt: not to mention that I don’t trust you on your own 

Soft Boy: we’ll take Paul’s car, we can get to the studio in half an hour and Freddie can tell them he needs the bathroom and meet us 

Clog Cunt: and what are they going to say when he doesn’t come back? 

Soft Boy: idk. We’ll deal with that at the time. 

Drama Queen: but Roger, you can’t drive 

Soft Boy: I know, I was offering Deaky’s driving services 

Disco Deaky: and what if I don’t go? 

Soft Boy: you’ll come because you love me 

Disco Deaky: fuck you got me there 

Clog Cunt: I’m coming to supervise 

Soft Boy: whatever, Brian. You can do the talking if we get into trouble.

Clog Cunt: that’s a deal. 

Drama Queen: Paul keeps his keys in the cabinet next to the bin in the kitchen. They might be behind some stuff but they’re there. 

Drama Queen: did I ever tell you guys that you’re the best? 

Disco Deaky: you don’t have to tell us. We already know. 

Drama Queen: not surprised 

Clog Cunt: right we’ll see you in half an hour. Remember to say you need the bathroom so no one tries to go with you.

Drama Queen: you got it, boss 

_Drama Queen has logged off_  
_Disco Deaky has logged off_  
_Clog Cunt has logged off_  
_Soft Boy has logged off_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also would just like to point out that as of writing this, this has 1.4k hits??? Wtf??? That’s so wild and it still blows my mind that people want to read this even though it’s dumb. Thank you all for your comments and kudos!!! It really does mean a lot!!!


	10. The Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All actions have consequences, and their rescue mission for Freddie from Michael Jackson is no different

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry this took so long holy shit I just had no inspiration???? It was so weird like I just didn’t feel like writing but even so!!! Here I am with an update and I hope it’s up to the usual standard!

_Chat: Roger Taylor and His Bitches™_

_Drama Queen is online_  
_Disco Deaky is online_

Drama Queen: I still can’t believe we let Brian and Roger out on their own again

Disco Deaky: it’ll be fine, they don’t have a car this time 

Disco Deaky: Anyway Fred can I ask a favour?

Drama Queen: yes dear, what’s up? Do you need fashion advice again? 

Disco Deaky: no I can dress myself now it’s alright, I need money for coke 

Drama Queen: what am I, a sugar daddy? 

Disco Deaky: no but I don’t have any cash on me 

Drama Queen: I’m kidding, darling. How much do you need? 

Disco Deaky: £3.99 if it’s not too much

Drama Queen: wow, that’s cheap. who’s the dealer? 

Disco Deaky: what do you mean

Disco Deaky: wait nO FRED ITS FOR COCA COLA 

Drama Queen: oh that makes more sense 

Drama Queen: I’ll give it to you when I come back inside 

_Soft Boy is online_  
_Clog Cunt is online_  
_Drama King is online_

Disco Deaky: wow the gang is all here! 

Soft Boy: we sure are, Deaky. We’ve got everything from the store so we’re walking back now but Brian is running away 

Clog Cunt: am not! You just walk slow because you’re short 

Soft Boy: shut up you stupid daddy long legs 

Disco Deaky: did you just call Brian daddy

Clog Cunt: ;);););)

Soft Boy: he wishes I did

Drama King: right guys I have something to talk to you all about 

Drama Queen: oh hello dear 

Drama King: hi, love. Have we all got our reading eyes on? 

Soft Boy: what the fuck 

Drama King: instead of listening ears 

Drama King: because this is text 

Soft Boy: OH 

Drama King: okay well anyway, you all have to apologise to Michael 

Drama Queen: what for? 

Soft Boy: I did nothing wrong

Clog Cunt: I didn’t even look at him 

Disco Deaky: I just drove the car!! I didn’t do anything!!

Drama King: Freddie in particular has to apologise but all of you do really, including Deaky 

Disco Deaky: :(

Soft Boy: are u tryna say that Deaky did something wrong 

Clog Cunt: oh shit 

Drama Queen: dear, Deaky did only drive the car 

Drama King: come on, guys. Deaky yelled ‘sayonara to Michael and his bitchass llama!’ 

Disco Deaky: okay you caught me but I wasn’t wrong to do that 

Drama King: Roger flipped Michael off when he came outside then imitated his voice and said that he fucks his llama

Drama King: Brian told him to get his own hairstyle and to stop copying him. Then, Freddie told him that his songs sucked, his llama was ugly, and stole his hat and his sparkly glove. My question is why were you so mean? 

Drama Queen: it wasn’t meant to be taken seriously, I was gonna post them back to him. Not our fault he can’t take a joke. 

Drama King: honey, he’s threatening to tell everyone and ruin your reputation 

Soft Boy: bold of you to assume we have a reputation

Clog Cunt: Roger for fuck sake this isn’t the time 

Disco Deaky: oh no :’(

Drama King: all you have to do is apologise to him, then he won’t leak this. You just won’t be on the album, Fred, but I’m sure you won’t mind.

Drama Queen: Yeah I’m not a fan of his zombie song anyway

Clog Cunt: we’ll apologise to him, don’t worry Jim

Soft Boy: how did you find out about all this stuff anyway? 

Drama King: his people called the house the today and I was the one that answered 

Drama Queen: darling I’m so sorry about that 

Drama King: it’s not me you have to apologise to

_Drama King has logged off_

Soft Boy: right boys you know what it’s time for 

Disco Deaky: another group chat? 

Soft Boy: you got it, Deaks.

***

_Roger has created the chat ‘The Sorry Boys’_

_Roger has added Deaky, Brian, Freddie and Michael to the chat_

Roger: okay Michael you don’t have to talk u just gotta read 

Michael: read what? more insults? 

Deaky: Michael we’re sorry 

Freddie: yes darling, we didn’t know you’d actually get hurt 

Brian: we only turned up because Freddie was uncomfortable and we got a little carried away is all, and we’re sorry for that 

Michael: Freddie wasn’t uncomfortable, y’all just wanted to fuck with me 

Freddie: okay I’m gonna be honest, yes I was 

Michael: what???? Why????

Freddie: ur llama fucking spat on me and wanted to fight me then you crawled towards me looking like a spider 

Michael: ...okay 

Michael: but why didn’t you say???????

Freddie: because I didn’t wanna be mean!

Michael: well tell me if I’m fucking wrong here but I’d say calling my llama ugly and stealing shit from me is meaner than telling me you were uncomfortable 

Brian: that’s a fair point 

Roger: understandable 

Deaky: we’ll post your stuff back to you! 

Michael: no I want you to deliver it back to me. All four of you, and I want to have a dance session with John. It seems like fun. 

Roger: ...but John is mine :( 

Deaky: can I bring Roger with me? 

Michael: why?

Deaky: he’s my emotional support bastard 

Michael: whatever I just wanna learn some new moves 

Freddie: if you freak him out this deal is off 

Deaky: also we have to be back by 8:30pm

Michael: you’re grown men why do you have a curfew 

Deaky: it’s not a curfew it’s when we all make tea and toast and play scrabble 

Brian: I still hold the highest score for a word 

Roger: no need to flex, Brian 

Freddie: that wont last for long, Bri. I’ll make sure of it. 

Michael: Anyway, deliver my stuff by the end of the week and we’ll have our dance session on the same day 

Deaky: we’ll be there, don’t worry 

Roger: will the llama be there?

Michael: ...possibly

Freddie: no llama 

Brian: if the llama is there the deal is off 

Michael: fine,,,,,

Deaky: okay! We’ll see you Wednesday! 

Roger: yeah, and we’re all sorry 

Freddie: well and truly 

Brian: completely heartfelt

Deaky: definitely the sorriest we’ve ever been 

_Roger has logged off_  
_Freddie has logged off_  
_Brian has logged off_  
_Deaky has logged off_

Michael: I sense sarcasm...

_Michael has logged off_


	11. The Great Disaster: Pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger makes a fatal mistake and enlists the help of John as he tries to fix it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is quite short and somewhat choppy, the group chat isn’t involved this time around but you’ll see why! I didn’t want to make this too long because obviously I plan on making more than one part,, anyway! I hope this was worth the wait and hopefully the second part shouldn’t take long.

_Private Chat between Deaky and Roger_

_Today, 2:13pm_

Roger: okay Deaky we have a problem 

Deaky: it better be life altering, you just woke me up

Roger: Deaks, it’s two in the afternoon...

Deaky: yes, but Freddie kept me up until eight in the morning drunk crying about how much he loves all of us

Roger: right...anyway. I need you to distract Brian. 

Deaky: what have you done? why me? 

Roger: I fed Delilah too much and she threw up on the red special. It’s only for a couple of hours, I promise.

Deaky: wait...you’re telling me Freddie’s favourite cat threw up on Brian’s favourite guitar? Oh buddy, you’re in for it.

Roger: you’re my only option Deaky, please

Deaky: okay, Roger. Only because you’re my favourite, consider Brian suitably distracted for the rest of today...

Roger: you’re my hero, Deaky. Seriously. 

Deaky: don’t worry about it, Roger. I’m not about to watch you get murdered. 

Roger: :) 

Deaky: now if you’ll excuse me, I have to make myself look decent. I’ll be quick.

_Deaky has logged off_

Roger: you always look decent 

Roger: oh goddammit 

_Roger has logged off_

***

_Private Chat between Brian and Deaky_

_Today, 2:25pm_

Deaky: hey, Brian. I’m bored.

Brian: and what do you want me to do about it?

Deaky: I want you to come out and get food with me 

Brian: I’ve already eaten 

Deaky: So? 

Brian: I really don’t have time to do this today, Deaky. I have to replace the strings on the red special.

Deaky: no you absolutely positively really do not 

Brian: what?

Deaky: just come out with me, Bri. Don’t be a chuckle head. 

Brian: okay there is definitely something wrong here. You only bring out the 50’s slang if you’re hiding something.

Deaky: I have nothing to hide. Come on, let’s go agitate the gravel. 

Brian: what did you do? 

Deaky: nothing, old sport. 

Brian: what did Roger do then?

Deaky: Roger has also done nothing, daddy-o 

Brian: if you don’t tell me, I’ll ask him. 

Deaky: ...he fed Delilah too much and she threw up on the red special. Please don’t be mad.

_Brian has logged off_

Deaky: FUCK

***

_Private Chat between Brian and Roger_

_Today, 2:40pm_

Brian: Roger Meddows Taylor, your blood will be on my hands when I find you 

Roger: Brian, what the fuck? I’ve done fuck all today 

Brian: a little birdie told me you made Delilah throw up on my guitar

Roger: well that little birdie is talking absolute shite so you needn’t worry about it 

Brian: then where are you right now? 

Roger: at the studio

Brian: so if I come down to the kitchen right now, I won’t find anyone there? 

Roger: absolutely not 

_Roger has logged off_

Brian: YOU LITTLE BITCH I CAN HEAR YOUR ASS RUNNING STOP RIGHT FUCKING THERE 

_Brian has logged off_


	12. Part Two of the Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Freddie tries to fix things, and they do not go to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This deadass took a month for me to finish I’m so sorry there’s literally no excuse haha pls forgive me thank u x

_Chat: Roger Taylor and His Bitches™_

_Drama Queen is online_  
_Disco Deaky is online_

Drama Queen: hey, darling. Where is everyone? 

Disco Deaky: Fred theres been a disaster and I’m scared 

Drama Queen: what’s the matter, dear? what happened? 

Disco Deaky: I don’t want you to be mad at me...the others already are...

Drama Queen: honeybee, I won’t be mad. I promise, just tell me what’s the matter. I’m worried. 

Disco Deaky: well, this morning Rog fed Delilah and she threw up because there was too much

Drama Queen: silly bugger. I must teach her self control one of these days, but then again, I’m not the best example. Don’t worry about it, dear, that’s not your fault. 

Disco Deaky: it gets worse 

Drama Queen: Hm? what do you mean?

Disco Deaky: well, she did it on the red special

Drama Queen: oh FUCK

Disco Deaky: And Brian found out from me because I’m a shitty distraction and now I think he’s probably killed Roger 

Drama Queen: okay, sweetheart. Stay calm. You shouldn’t have to clear up Roger’s mess for him, I’ll sort this out. Don’t you worry, okay? 

Disco Deaky: ...but aren’t you hungover? 

Drama Queen: has a hangover ever stopped me before? Don’t worry about it. You relax and have a nap, I’ll find these two idiots and sort this out. 

_Drama Queen has logged off_  
_Disco Deaky has logged off_

***

 _Freddie has created the chat ‘The Queen and her idiots’_  
_Freddie added Roger and Brian to the chat_  
_Freddie has changed Roger’s nickname to Dentist Boy_  
_Freddie has changed Brian’s nickname to Cosmo_  
_Freddie has changed their name to The Queen_

The Queen: right bitches if I don’t get an answer right fucking now I’m coming into that studio and slapping you both 

The Queen: I’ve got all my rings on today so don’t fucking test me 

Cosmo: Freddie, why are you pissed at both of us? It’s all Roger!

Dentist Boy: BITCH YOU TRIED TO KNOCK ME OUT 

Cosmo: WITH GOOD REASON BECAUSE YOU ALLOWED A CAT TO VOMIT ON MY GUITAR AND NOW THE PAINT IS PATCHY 

Dentist Boy: NO REASON TO TRY AND SLAM MY HEAD INTO A FUCKING PIANO 

Cosmo: ALL OF THE REASON ACTUALLY 

The Queen: LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE BITCHES, YOU BROUGHT JOHN INTO THIS AND IM NOT HAPPY BECAUSE HES SCARED YOU BOTH HATE HIM NOW 

Cosmo: he did try and cover up for this fucker so yeah, not happy with him

Dentist Boy: he gave me up to Brian! He didn’t do what he said he would! 

The Queen: you’re both so fucking selfish. If you can’t come home, at least talk this out with him because I’m not having him upset because of a petty fight between you two. 

The Queen: he shouldn’t have to clear up your mess for you, Roger. He wanted to prevent you from killing him too, Brian, so I think you have to calm down and come to your senses. 

The Queen: now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go and make sure my cat is okay

The Queen: *mic drop*

***

_Chat: Roger Taylor and His Bitches™_

_Disco Deaky is online_  
_Clog Cunt is online_  
_Soft Boy is online_

Soft Boy: so uh 

Soft Boy: idk how to start apologies because I have done absolutely nothing wrong in my life 

Clog Cunt: fuck off Roger 

Soft Boy: listen here you poodle headed bitch 

Soft Boy: now is not time for ur dumbass remarks, we’re here to apologise to John 

Soft Boy: we shouldn’t have dragged you into our mess 

Clog Cunt: you mean you shouldn’t have. And you shouldn’t have made a mess in the first place, but Deaky shouldn’t have tried to defend you

Disco Deaky: Brian don’t be so cruel. I get you cared about that guitar but some paint can be fixed, Roger getting killed cannot 

Disco Deaky: I forgive you, Roger. But not you, Bri. 

Clog Cunt: I don’t have anything to be forgiven for. If anything, I should be the one considering if I should forgive you and right now, it’s not looking so good

Disco Deaky: wow Brian you’re really acting like your username today. What crawled up your ass and died? 

Soft Boy: fuck, Deaky 

_Clog Cunt has logged off_

Soft Boy: well that went well

Disco Deaky: fuck man, if there was ever a time for a line of coke I’d be doing that shit right now 

Soft Boy: don’t snort coke, Deaky 

Soft Boy: smoke weed instead

Disco Deaky: ...you got some? 

Soft Boy: you bet ;) 

Disco Deaky: I’ll be at your room in ten minutes 

_Disco Deaky has logged off_  
_Soft Boy has logged off_


End file.
